In the Holiday spirit – of Scrooge – I am making an end-of-year whiny list of which celebrities and hot topics are bugging me. This is the first installment. If I continue on my grump streak, there will be more. And hey, celebrities? Stay off my lawn!
Beyonce. Without a doubt, you are the most overrated star ever. You sing passably, you act passably, but Jennifer Hudson is one person – of many – who can sing and act (ok, maybe not completely act) circles around you. Yeah, I get that you’re cute, all boobs and butt and pretty hair, but please. Sasha Fierce? If you’re so great, why are you changing your name?
The whole Jennifer Anniston/Brad/Angelina thing. If they were all trashier, this drama might be more interesting. On Jerry Springer. Angelina stole your man, like, 3 years ago, Jen. That’s what she does. With Brad, she will simultaneously repopulate and adopt the world, while saving it the process. Then, when she’s bored with that, she’ll go back to vamping around and cutting herself. Brad will continue to look pretty while rescuing victims of disasters and building eco-friendly buildings. What are you doing, Jen? Complaining about how uncool they are? Get over it already and stick to making movies with puppies.
Rosie O’Donnell. Thankfully, your “comeback” was but a blip on the radar, because you are seriously unbearable. Actually, you’re pretty charming, in TINY doses. I think your heart may be in the right place, but your mouth overwhelms it. Please take your “act” to one of your gay cruise ships and stay off camera for a while.
Daniel Radcliffe. I’m confused. Didn’t you already do the naked Broadway stint? Why are you at it again? Has it been one, continuous run? Why do you keep talking about your penis? I like you as Harry Potter, and you were pretty funny on that episode of Extras, but maybe you can consider taking a vacation to a nudie beach and get all that out of your system.
I just read that Jeb Bush is considering a run for Senate. My goodness, you get one out, and another one goes right back in. That family is like the multi-headed hydra serpent. Can we impose a Bush ban already?
The economy. Can you stop being a meanie and give us back our money and jobs? Thanks.
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(500) Days of Summer: mini review
I think this may be my favorite movie this year! So sweet, funny, creative, touching, real: all this without taking itself too seriously or becoming too indie or precious. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is super charming, and I couldn't stop thinking how much he reminded me of Heath Ledger! Though less intense. I think he is my newest crush. Zooey Deschanel is also lovely, albeit a bit wicked. I love how the story is told (jumping around in time, while still keeping a line), and I love some of the creative elements of the cinematography. It is a simple story but timeless and relatable (I think that's a word??). And let me tell you, what I relief to watch this after I just saw Revolutionary Road! (Sheesh)
Synecdoche, New York
After I rehearsed the pronunciation of this title and looked up what it meant - shut up; I was not an English major!- I watched this movie with pride in my superior knowledge. And then my brain got damaged. I was not an English major because I may or may not have used Cliff's Notes in high school, and after about an hour of this film, I was seriously wondering if Cliff's Notes existed for Synecdoche. Because I was seriously lost and beginning to resent it. And then, then! - yes, this film is a journey!- I began to realize something. It's all a dream. Have you ever woken up and thought, "I just dreamed that my house was on fire, but I was living in it, and there were a bunch of doppelgangers of me and other people running around, and then I went to an art exhibit and looked at very tiny canvases through a magnifying glass"? If you have, you may have seen this film already. So, I don't know what else to say about it except, if you are thinking about doing drugs, or want to have really vivid dreams, try Synecdoche instead.
He's Just Not That Into You
This movie had so many strikes against it going in: self-proclaimed "chick flick," many famous people in the cast (that rarely works), based on a self-help book (??). I had no interest in seeing it, but a girlfriend of mine convinced me to go with a group of girls (ugh) to see it, and I begrudgingly agreed. You know what? It wasn't half bad. I even laughed out loud, in several spots! Thankfully, this film never takes itself seriously, despite some of the serious plot lines, and there are some good old-fashioned comic moments. Desperate, needy characters are human and even charming, and despicable characters get their come-uppance. As long as you don't take the film seriously, which many critics have - why has no one a sense of humor anymore? - HJNTIY is good for a laugh. It also made me thankful I'm not single anymore.
Slumdog Millionaire
This film is getting a lot of hype lately, but it's justified. It's everything a film should be: inspiring, touching, and exciting. If you don't yet know what the film is about, take advantage of your ignorance and just go see it. I don't know what else to say about it except that it is the best movie I've seen in a while (since Man on Wire, actually), and I hope it sweeps the Oscars. A big win (or wins) for Slumdog would prove that life imitates art, and it would also hand it to Hollywood, who hasn't come up with something this good in a long while. Film bonus: don't expect "Bollywood" here, but there is a Bollywood dance at the end. I think they just couldn't resist.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: mini review
I went to see this because I thought Marley would be too depressing on Christmas. (And: Team Brad!). Turns out, B.B. is the third most depressing movie I have ever seen (can you guess the other two?). They took a lovely, interesting short story and inflated it with a big ol' bike pump till it almost burst with drama. The entire set-up of the story - the way it is "told" - is entirely unnecessary, and one sub-plot could have ended up on the cutting room floor and not made any difference. Still, I liked the film. The acting is all very good, the cinematography picturesque, and the story makes you think; but, here's the thing: you start to really think about it and you get really, really sad. So, bring kleenex, or, if you don't need a good cry, skip it.
Man on Wire: mini review
Again with the French! If you were alive in 1974, you may have remembered a man tightrope walking between the two World Trade Center towers. He did it without a net or harness, and he walked back and forth eight times. I won't tell you if he survived it (although you can just as easily look it up), but I will say that the man, Philippe Petit, was one crazy dude. This film is a documentary about his dream to string a cable a 1/4 mile up between the towers, which were not even built yet when he read about them and got the idea, and his six years of planning the stunt. The film includes artistic dramatizations of past events - the ones not captured on film - and present-day commentary from some of his co-conspirators, helpers, and friends. It is amazing and inspiring. Fun fact: he made his "walk" the day before Nixon resigned, so it's possible it would have been an even bigger story if the Prez hadn't immediately eclipsed it.
Elegy: mini review
Ben Kingsley is getting around with the ladies quite a lot recently, no? I blame his agent. Elegy is really just a photo album of Penelope Cruz, who wears three (!) distinctive hairstyles in this film to depict the passing of time. Also, her boobies play a supporting role. Kingsley is a sleazy (but not supposed to be, I think) professor who sleeps with his students and doesn't like marriage. The only interesting part of this film is Peter Sarsgaard, who plays Kingsley's ratty, snooty, spoiled son with an impressive amount of snoot and sneer. This movie made me weary, and now I am weary of this review.
Vicky Cristina Barcelona: mini review
Thank you, Woody, for restoring my faith in American cinema (even if you had to do it in Europe). If you're a fan Mr. Allen, and if you like Spain, you'll love V.C.B. Of course, it should go without saying that if you like girls, you'll love the promise of a Cruz/Johansson threesome, and if you like boys: Bardem, baby. He smolders! He seduces! He's not psycho! (But his ex-wife is) Seriously, though; V.C.B. is entertaining at the least, provocative at most. Plenty of Allen-esque neuroses coming out of the mouths of the characters, and plenty of comedy, plus a dash of pathos, just to keep it grounded. Most enjoyable are the scenes between Bardem and Cruz, especially when he badgers her to "speak English!" for the sake of his new lady. Rebecca Hall also turns in an interesting performance.
Tell No One: mini review
Tell No One marks the third French thriller I've seen this year. The first one I saw, Roman de Gare, was stunning; I really need to write a little review. Tell No One, on the other hand, is a fun, twisty thrill ride. Like Roman, you never know what's going to happen next, and the characters could be dark or light, innocent or guilty; they are constantly changing and keep you guessing. A pediatrician whose wife is murdered (or is she?), a richer-than-God politician, a complicated police officer, Kristen Scott Thomas as a beautiful, French lesbian, an adorable dog (who is also an important role), and a timeless love story all make up this intelligent mystery. Word to Hollywood: France is burying us this year in cinema.
The Dark Knight: mini review
As a fan of Batman - though not a completely geeked-out fan - I was so thoroughly satisfied by this film. It raises the bar. It blows other superhero movies out of the water. All the performances are good, but Heath Ledger's Joker is out of this world. You wonder how much that role cost him, and you suspect too much, seeing as how things ended for this wonderful actor. I heart Christian Bale, but I would have been very happy watching the Joker for 2 hours.